Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Oscillating Between Extreme Discomfort and Extreme LOLz

When your co-worker makes 105k a year and does not know shit about her job, it's infuriating (by the way, I work in research, so that's a shit ton of money). First of all, where can I find a job like that? Second of all, what sexual activities does it require of me? Ok, that last part was in jest. But you know what can make you feel better? When another co-worker picks up her phone and the screen pops up to reveal, "1:15 do kegels."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Passive Aggressive Monday: Your Face Is Ugly

Ok, maybe that isn't so passive aggressive. But it is 10:18 PM and it's shanking bitches time. You know how when you and your co-workers are giving oral presentations on books you've read in your usual semi-circle around the filing cabinet, and the one bitch who reviewed Us Weekly calls you pretentious because you said Roald Dahl is awesome? I called her out on it, but I stayed classy and didn't throw in some red herrings like her slut past or daddy issues. But the next time she gives me hick attitude (I should know because I'm fifth generation hick), I'm taking a shit on her keyboard. 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Access This, Slut Face

Work sent me to a two day workshop on Access this week. The highlight of the workshop? This conversation -
Instructor: "Now you can make the report header yellow."
Student: "Will it print yellow?"
Instructor: "Do you have a color printer?"

Oh yeah, that New Years resolution I was working on? I failed several months ago and have given it up entirely. From now on, I reserve my smiles for attractive people. Which, at this moment, is the only hot guy at work. And maybe that cute guy on my morning bus route...I hope he's at least 18.