Wednesday, November 2, 2011

You're Stupid Like My Daughter

So my elderly Asian co-worker, T-Rex, tells me that I'm stupid like her daughter. I was surprised and I guess she thought that I didn't know what she meant, so she gave me a wonderful example - "if she wants to bang her head and bleed, she will." I never call her out on her back handed comments, but this time I did. I usually become emotional and so stressed that I'm pretty sure my ulcers can produce diamonds - imagine that coming out of your urethra. I would think it would be very similar to a UTI - painful to let a single drop of urine dribble out and amazement that you've just peed wine. I didn't expect much from T-Rex, which was probably the best because she apologized for calling me stubborn, but throws in this gold nugget - "I'm just calling it like I see it." She clearly did not recall the conversation clearly because she didn't call me stubborn, she called me stupid. So I did what any other grown ass woman would have done, I told my boss.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Girl, You Smell Like Corn Dogs

Conversations Du Jour part II

K: "You smell like honey."
Me: "That's fucking rude."
K: "What?"
Me: "Why the fuck do I smell like cunny?"
K: "HONEY! I said that you smell like Honey!"

Me: "You smell like mothballs."
EP: "He smells like your balls?"

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Code Sucks Balls

I've been working on Access and I have a new found hate - code. I was so frustrated yesterday that I became desensitized to all incoming information. Case in point - me asking my instructor where the left alignment was for text. I think that's just as bad as when my classmate asked if a yellow header would print yellow (post somewhere below). I've been trying to tell myself it's like learning a new language, so it's going to take some time before I get the hang of it; at least I hope so. I even brought home an Access book so that I can memorize some code this weekend. That's probably not going to happen, but I like to think it will! But I'm sure it's better than Ambien.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Quotes Du Jour

Quotes from my favorite cranky Asian co-worker, T-Rex

 "He dropped the bomb."

"It a double whamming." 

"It was approved by the shit. No, the shift, the shift." I think she was trying to say chief, but I can't be 100% certain.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Oscillating Between Extreme Discomfort and Extreme LOLz

When your co-worker makes 105k a year and does not know shit about her job, it's infuriating (by the way, I work in research, so that's a shit ton of money). First of all, where can I find a job like that? Second of all, what sexual activities does it require of me? Ok, that last part was in jest. But you know what can make you feel better? When another co-worker picks up her phone and the screen pops up to reveal, "1:15 do kegels."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Passive Aggressive Monday: Your Face Is Ugly

Ok, maybe that isn't so passive aggressive. But it is 10:18 PM and it's shanking bitches time. You know how when you and your co-workers are giving oral presentations on books you've read in your usual semi-circle around the filing cabinet, and the one bitch who reviewed Us Weekly calls you pretentious because you said Roald Dahl is awesome? I called her out on it, but I stayed classy and didn't throw in some red herrings like her slut past or daddy issues. But the next time she gives me hick attitude (I should know because I'm fifth generation hick), I'm taking a shit on her keyboard. 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Access This, Slut Face

Work sent me to a two day workshop on Access this week. The highlight of the workshop? This conversation -
Instructor: "Now you can make the report header yellow."
Student: "Will it print yellow?"
Instructor: "Do you have a color printer?"

Oh yeah, that New Years resolution I was working on? I failed several months ago and have given it up entirely. From now on, I reserve my smiles for attractive people. Which, at this moment, is the only hot guy at work. And maybe that cute guy on my morning bus route...I hope he's at least 18.