Wednesday, November 2, 2011

You're Stupid Like My Daughter

So my elderly Asian co-worker, T-Rex, tells me that I'm stupid like her daughter. I was surprised and I guess she thought that I didn't know what she meant, so she gave me a wonderful example - "if she wants to bang her head and bleed, she will." I never call her out on her back handed comments, but this time I did. I usually become emotional and so stressed that I'm pretty sure my ulcers can produce diamonds - imagine that coming out of your urethra. I would think it would be very similar to a UTI - painful to let a single drop of urine dribble out and amazement that you've just peed wine. I didn't expect much from T-Rex, which was probably the best because she apologized for calling me stubborn, but throws in this gold nugget - "I'm just calling it like I see it." She clearly did not recall the conversation clearly because she didn't call me stubborn, she called me stupid. So I did what any other grown ass woman would have done, I told my boss.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Girl, You Smell Like Corn Dogs

Conversations Du Jour part II

K: "You smell like honey."
Me: "That's fucking rude."
K: "What?"
Me: "Why the fuck do I smell like cunny?"
K: "HONEY! I said that you smell like Honey!"

Me: "You smell like mothballs."
EP: "He smells like your balls?"

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Code Sucks Balls

I've been working on Access and I have a new found hate - code. I was so frustrated yesterday that I became desensitized to all incoming information. Case in point - me asking my instructor where the left alignment was for text. I think that's just as bad as when my classmate asked if a yellow header would print yellow (post somewhere below). I've been trying to tell myself it's like learning a new language, so it's going to take some time before I get the hang of it; at least I hope so. I even brought home an Access book so that I can memorize some code this weekend. That's probably not going to happen, but I like to think it will! But I'm sure it's better than Ambien.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Quotes Du Jour

Quotes from my favorite cranky Asian co-worker, T-Rex

 "He dropped the bomb."

"It a double whamming." 

"It was approved by the shit. No, the shift, the shift." I think she was trying to say chief, but I can't be 100% certain.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Oscillating Between Extreme Discomfort and Extreme LOLz

When your co-worker makes 105k a year and does not know shit about her job, it's infuriating (by the way, I work in research, so that's a shit ton of money). First of all, where can I find a job like that? Second of all, what sexual activities does it require of me? Ok, that last part was in jest. But you know what can make you feel better? When another co-worker picks up her phone and the screen pops up to reveal, "1:15 do kegels."

Monday, August 15, 2011

Passive Aggressive Monday: Your Face Is Ugly

Ok, maybe that isn't so passive aggressive. But it is 10:18 PM and it's shanking bitches time. You know how when you and your co-workers are giving oral presentations on books you've read in your usual semi-circle around the filing cabinet, and the one bitch who reviewed Us Weekly calls you pretentious because you said Roald Dahl is awesome? I called her out on it, but I stayed classy and didn't throw in some red herrings like her slut past or daddy issues. But the next time she gives me hick attitude (I should know because I'm fifth generation hick), I'm taking a shit on her keyboard. 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Access This, Slut Face

Work sent me to a two day workshop on Access this week. The highlight of the workshop? This conversation -
Instructor: "Now you can make the report header yellow."
Student: "Will it print yellow?"
Instructor: "Do you have a color printer?"

Oh yeah, that New Years resolution I was working on? I failed several months ago and have given it up entirely. From now on, I reserve my smiles for attractive people. Which, at this moment, is the only hot guy at work. And maybe that cute guy on my morning bus route...I hope he's at least 18.

Friday, July 22, 2011

"You Look Fancy"

I work in research where there is no dress code, so my standard uniform is tennis shoes, skinny jeans, and my black fleece North Face jacket; the middle class Asian look (you would understand if you've ever been on the 28). But lately, I've been trying this thing where I dress for the job I want. Apparently, when you show up to work in a dress and a blazer, it means you're looking for another job and prompts your co-worker to ask you if you're wearing underwear. I'm not really sure that the latter means. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Freak Outs And Hot Pink Pills

Last trip I took was to Vegas early last year. I had a freak out on the way to the airport because I had forgotten to bring the Benadryl. I broke out into a sweat and started yelling erratically. My boyfriend can attest to that. But you have to understand that I suffered from insomnia in high school, and I will do anything to prevent it. I can honestly tell you that I do not remember the last two years of my high school career. It really was that awful. Finals, college applications, sleeping in desolated hotels, itchy sheets, and the floor of my friend's apartments brings on the worst bouts of insomnia. Other stuff too, but let's save that for another entry. So fuck yeah to a tiny, hot pink pill if it can put me to sleep. The downside is that I don't dream. Actually, I must dream, but I have no recollection of it. Now, before you think I have an addiction to Benadryl, let me assure you that I don't. I only use this lovely antihistamine when I travel, which is about 2-3 times a year, which hardly qualifies me as an addict. Besides, it's a totally ridiculous notion that one can be addicted to Benadryl.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Eat Your Cancer

My New Years resolution? To fucking smile more. I hate to admit this, but I'm terribly vain about my youthful looks. I've been applying sunblock religiously since I was 17 and almost all of my hobbies are conducted indoors. However, at the same time, I had cultivated this bitch look that's reserved for MUNI rides. Unfortunately, my bitch face has become my everyday face. I don't know when the transition occurred, but it probably has to do with my anxieties about being a grown ass woman with grown ass problems. How is this even related to my New Years resolution? Well, at a recent holiday party at a friend's home, a complete stranger assumed that I was 25. I was horrified! I thought to myself, "25!? Don't I look 18 anymore?" I spent a couple weeks pondering what is it that makes me look my age? The bags under my eyes from stress and lack of sleep? The blotchy, colorless skin? The nude patent pumps? The Banana Republic blue collar shirt? No, none of those possibilities because I've decided that it's my bitch look. True or not, I believe that if I can turn that frown upside down, I can magically erase the sagging lines at the corner of my eyes and lips. Actually, I should probably add sleep to that list. Oh, who am I kidding? I need to quit my fucking job.