Girl, You Smell Like Corn Dogs

Conversations Du Jour part II

K: "You smell like honey."
Me: "That's fucking rude."
K: "What?"
Me: "Why the fuck do I smell like cunny?"
K: "HONEY! I said that you smell like Honey!"

Me: "You smell like mothballs."
EP: "He smells like your balls?"

Code Sucks Balls

I've been working on Access and I have a new found hate - code. I was so frustrated yesterday that I became desensitized to all incoming information. Case in point - me asking my instructor where the left alignment was for text. I think that's just as bad as when my classmate asked if a yellow header would print yellow (post somewhere below). I've been trying to tell myself it's like learning a new language, so it's going to take some time before I get the hang of it; at least I hope so. I even brought home an Access book so that I can memorize some code this weekend. That's probably not going to happen, but I like to think it will! But I'm sure it's better than Ambien.

Quotes Du Jour

Quotes from my favorite cranky Asian co-worker, T-Rex

 "He dropped the bomb."

"It a double whamming." 

"It was approved by the shit. No, the shift, the shift." I think she was trying to say chief, but I can't be 100% certain.

Oscillating Between Extreme Discomfort and Extreme LOLz

When your co-worker makes 105k a year and does not know shit about her job, it's infuriating (by the way, I work in research, so that's a shit ton of money). First of all, where can I find a job like that? Second of all, what sexual activities does it require of me? Ok, that last part was in jest. But you know what can make you feel better? When another co-worker picks up her phone and the screen pops up to reveal, "1:15 do kegels."

Passive Aggressive Monday: Your Face Is Ugly

Ok, maybe that isn't so passive aggressive. But it is 10:18 PM and it's shanking bitches time. You know how when you and your co-workers are giving oral presentations on books you've read in your usual semi-circle around the filing cabinet, and the one bitch who reviewed Us Weekly calls you pretentious because you said Roald Dahl is awesome? I called her out on it, but I stayed classy and didn't throw in some red herrings like her slut past or daddy issues. But the next time she gives me hick attitude (I should know because I'm fifth generation hick), I'm taking a shit on her keyboard. 

Access This, Slut Face

Work sent me to a two day workshop on Access this week. The highlight of the workshop? This conversation -
Instructor: "Now you can make the report header yellow."
Student: "Will it print yellow?"
Instructor: "Do you have a color printer?"

Oh yeah, that New Years resolution I was working on? I failed several months ago and have given it up entirely. From now on, I reserve my smiles for attractive people. Which, at this moment, is the only hot guy at work. And maybe that cute guy on my morning bus route...I hope he's at least 18.

"You Look Fancy"

I work in research where there is no dress code, so my standard uniform is tennis shoes, skinny jeans, and my black fleece North Face jacket; the middle class Asian look (you would understand if you've ever been on the 28). But lately, I've been trying this thing where I dress for the job I want. Apparently, when you show up to work in a dress and a blazer, it means you're looking for another job and prompts your co-worker to ask you if you're wearing underwear. I'm not really sure that the latter means.